What then? what now?

Last night.. i died... Only to wake up and find out the terrible truth.. I was only dreaming. I dreamed that i had died one night.. I can't exactly remember what it was about.. All I know is that when i died.. it was sorta like I was fell into a dream... A dream of the life i wanted to live.. Maybe it was a coma seeing as how nobody really dreams they are dying unless they are about to. A part of me wish that i was dead.. while another part wishes that I would grow up and live out all my dreams and goals... Then there is another part... reality.... where I realize that a part of me is already dead. Of course I can be brought back to life.. but I can't seem to figure out how to do it.I once told someone that the problem with me is that I always wanted to see everyone else happy, even at my own expense.. Unfortunately, i never really got to find out what makes me the happiest. Everyday it seems like my depression gets worst.. I can't stop eating.. I can't lose weight.. I seem to get outta breath more and more each day... I seem to cry myself to sleep everynight. What is happening to me. I thought I had it bad before.. I can't seem to smile anymore.. and every moment makes me feel like crying. Is this really the way I am suppose to be. Tomorrow I goto withdraw from my classes. I've never felt so bad about doing something.. But i feel so unorganized.. and life sucks so bad that i can't even concentrate on school work.. I applied to three jobs, K-mart, Staples and Toys R us. Neither has called me back yet.. But i really hope they do. Ron got a call back from UPS. I am happy for him.. sorta sad cus he'll be working and I won't.. It seems like the only way I will get a job is if I apply to a crappy ass fast food.. and they probably don't even want me.I still haven't heard from alia.. Its kinda sad that i actually watch the mail.. I'm beginning to try to hard.. I fucked up.. well scratch that.. I was wrong not to send her letters when i wrote them.. Couldn't really get to the post office..But i did what i had to do and made the effort... If she doesn't care that i tried.. well then what can I say.. Its not like i didn't write her at all.. I just couldn't get a flippin stamp. I luv her.. she's my best friend.. but I can't push her.. and I am not gonna spend my days trying to win back her friendship.. I'm done with the days of sidekick Quiana... and nobody is that important to make me beg. Why try to make everybody else happy when I can't even find happiness in myself...I'll keep writing her.. and I hope she gets better.. but if she doesn't wanna write me back then hey.. nuttin i can do..I notice that one by one I am losing my friends..Well my old friends. Just about the only people i care for are ron, alia, andrea and neil cus i can really talk to them.. Alia is so far away tho. But in the long run.. who do i have but myself. I miss my grandma and even tho she is just 2 steps away... I can't seem to talk to her anymore.. I love her sooo much and i really can't think of life without her.. but i really have to get out and live on my own... can't deal with it anymore...The clutter, the mess, the unorganization.... the empitness... the sadness.. the depression...Sometimes you just gotta live life for what its worth.. and when its all over..What then? What now?-Q