YAY!

She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!She wrote me back!!Ok yes I am a beast. But it feels great! I gotta write her back heheheOK GTG... me and ron are going to see scary movie 3! yayz!-Q

What then? what now?

Last night.. i died... Only to wake up and find out the terrible truth.. I was only dreaming. I dreamed that i had died one night.. I can't exactly remember what it was about.. All I know is that when i died.. it was sorta like I was fell into a dream... A dream of the life i wanted to live.. Maybe it was a coma seeing as how nobody really dreams they are dying unless they are about to. A part of me wish that i was dead.. while another part wishes that I would grow up and live out all my dreams and goals... Then there is another part... reality.... where I realize that a part of me is already dead. Of course I can be brought back to life.. but I can't seem to figure out how to do it.I once told someone that the problem with me is that I always wanted to see everyone else happy, even at my own expense.. Unfortunately, i never really got to find out what makes me the happiest. Everyday it seems like my depression gets worst.. I can't stop eating.. I can't lose weight.. I seem to get outta breath more and more each day... I seem to cry myself to sleep everynight. What is happening to me. I thought I had it bad before.. I can't seem to smile anymore.. and every moment makes me feel like crying. Is this really the way I am suppose to be. Tomorrow I goto withdraw from my classes. I've never felt so bad about doing something.. But i feel so unorganized.. and life sucks so bad that i can't even concentrate on school work.. I applied to three jobs, K-mart, Staples and Toys R us. Neither has called me back yet.. But i really hope they do. Ron got a call back from UPS. I am happy for him.. sorta sad cus he'll be working and I won't.. It seems like the only way I will get a job is if I apply to a crappy ass fast food.. and they probably don't even want me.I still haven't heard from alia.. Its kinda sad that i actually watch the mail.. I'm beginning to try to hard.. I fucked up.. well scratch that.. I was wrong not to send her letters when i wrote them.. Couldn't really get to the post office..But i did what i had to do and made the effort... If she doesn't care that i tried.. well then what can I say.. Its not like i didn't write her at all.. I just couldn't get a flippin stamp. I luv her.. she's my best friend.. but I can't push her.. and I am not gonna spend my days trying to win back her friendship.. I'm done with the days of sidekick Quiana... and nobody is that important to make me beg. Why try to make everybody else happy when I can't even find happiness in myself...I'll keep writing her.. and I hope she gets better.. but if she doesn't wanna write me back then hey.. nuttin i can do..I notice that one by one I am losing my friends..Well my old friends. Just about the only people i care for are ron, alia, andrea and neil cus i can really talk to them.. Alia is so far away tho. But in the long run.. who do i have but myself. I miss my grandma and even tho she is just 2 steps away... I can't seem to talk to her anymore.. I love her sooo much and i really can't think of life without her.. but i really have to get out and live on my own... can't deal with it anymore...The clutter, the mess, the unorganization.... the empitness... the sadness.. the depression...Sometimes you just gotta live life for what its worth.. and when its all over..What then? What now?-Q

Early!

Yeah its like almost 6 in the morn.. i got home at 4:30 as usual.... did some straigtening up.. some washin.. Yeah i was at ron's house as usual... U know i can't stand being here... I started my diet. like really started it today... I think i am doing good.. in the morning I think I will go play DDR for a couple of hours... sinse its a fun way to exercise.. Then go pay my insurance.. the chilax for the day.. Hopefully by next week I will be back to an 18 and steadily falling.. back to a size 12 like i want...I still need to goto the doctor and get checked out... I think all my stress is really taking effect on me... My mind, my eating... my emotions... Agh... i just need to do things on my own foot... I keep talkin about moving with ron... If we get the jobs that we want to, we could be making up to 2g's per person per month... I would like to get a 2 br apt for 800 and work my way from there... I still want to move to NJ in september... but if things go as planned, i should have about 9g's by then saved up and i can chill and goto school. Right now i just want to start my own life.. have my own apt u know... pay my own bills... Don't get me wrong... I will still take care of my grandma... everychance... But i can't live in this crawlhole anymore with this crazy guy called my uncle... everybody needs to grow up sometime and i feel that inorder to be able to live how i want to live, i gotta start makin my own choices. Hopefully in 4 months, I will have the 6 g's i need to move up outta here. Thursday is the day I have to go withdraw from my classes... I hate to do it, especially sinse i was doing so well.. but there comes a time in life when u just need to live your own life for what u want and not what everybody else wants.. I am definately going back to school in sep in NJ... I want to goto this college where they have my program at 66 bucks a credit. I was thinkin of going back part time, next term at a closer college to get back on track for some courses that i need so that could work. I definitely want to move me and my grandma out to Camden... its way nice out there.. and she deserves to have peace and quiet in this time of her life... She has lived her life to the fullest and she deserves time for herself. Anyway I am going to take a quick nap.. I have to goto the bank in awhile... so i will write laterTata- Q

Oh Joy

Well I ave to withdraw from all my classes. Great.. I've been absent to many times per class and it's just not worth it anymore. Why is all this happening to me... Alia has not written me back... but i guess its what i deserve. Last night i talked to Euseff and found out that she has to come home cus her limbs are swollen. That sucks so bad because that just ruins her plans. Why is everything happening like this... Is this the way it is meant to happen? Everything was going great and now... I dunno..I still can't lose wait.. so i've gone to the limit of starving myself. I don't want to throw up every meal but I can't stop eating. I don't have will power for sum reason... I can't resist carbs. So my only other option is to starve myself. People say it makes u fatter... I don't see how it culd make me any fatter. I'm so sick. Mentally, physically. I look at myself in the mirror and cry... I never thought that my weight would make me feel so horrible... And then mentally.. I am so stressed... just being in my house throws me over the top...And now I am not doing good in school... I feel like crying for days... But i hate feeling sorry for myself... Many people would think like... WHY are you so depressed... U have it all. I dunno I just can't be happy anymore.. Where has all my happiness gone and why did it leave in the first place. Last night i applied for K-mart.. probably won't get a call back... no jobs ever call me back.. Why would they want me...I can't do anything good. I need an over night job so bad... I'll take anything but fast food. I want to make enough money so that next september I can move like i want to. Far away from it all. Just leave everybody and be to myself... maybe then I could concentrate. Everybody seems to have their lives together but me. Why is this happening to me tho. Why is it that I am meant to fail... Its not like this is the first time. I could barely finish high school and now i can't finish college before it has even really begun. Whats next?-Q

Boo

Well I just woke up not to long ago... I wanted to go roller skating today... but by the time i am ready and whatnot, the place will be closed... That sucks.. So I am applying for the MTA right..to bad that i have to overnight that app on mon so that it gets there by tues which is the last day!!! And 35 dollars... awww man...I need to get a job. its so serious... I just give up on school... I thought i could so it... yeah right.. life is gettin much harder than i thought it was... And everybody else thinks they have probs. Life sucks...tho i really don't like to think like that... How can i help it... everything is going wrong. ::Sigh:: Yesterday was fun... Chilled with Ron and Nate and Amy. We went to go roller skating at this place in Long Island... but i swear these guys we sooo racist cus everytime we went to walk in the place, the came over to us asking about crap then sayin we can't get in... what the hell was that... Discriminating bastards. Whatever... I feel like doing something today... but blah... I feel like just drving... driving... and driving till i drive off a cliff. It will be pretty soon when i just decide to move to maryland.. I want to but then again i don't want to... I dunno I am so depressed... I will write later.-Q

Woohoo

Yeah so i finally got home.. its like 4 in the morning... over here playin with my cat who all of a sudden wants to be obsessed with me... Today I went to the palisades mall to see if i could find a coat... No luck and it was late by the time i got there. I became saddened by the fact that even the xl coats that i loved didn't fit.. I am on this diet but i dunno.. i need to goto a dietician and a doctor cus i think i am at high risk of gettin diabetes already... I mean all i eat is salad and drink water.. I admit i don't excersize much, but doesn't DDR count a lil? My car has made me lazy but i love her to death. It sucks and now i need to find a job.. I really want to land this mta job so that i can move outta my house... AGH... i need to chant.. meditate... life sucks... why me?! Blah effin Blah-Q

I can't take this anymore..

I am getting tired of being in this house... Every fucking day I have to dish out 20 dollars to some drug addict when i barely have enough money to pay my bills... I come home to the same bullshit everynight and its getting on my nerves... Its bad enough that I am not doing good in school and now i think i have a health issue. WTF.... I am gonna move out if it takes every last penny I have. ARGH!!